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'Hell & Never Back' brings us into the vicious cycle of a toxic relationship. The one where the partner does something devastating, begs you to stay and promises love and a moment of peace washes over until they turn around and do it again.
It's a cycle that permanently changes the foundation and course of the relationship - it will head downhill fast, especially when it is one-sided, purely lopsided. "How many times can the same heart break / Over the same somebody who did it? / How many times can I walk away / 'Til there's a time that I don't forgive him?". They'll continue to break your heart, and you get addicted to the cycle despite knowing that it's not good for you and others around you don't like it ("My daddy's devastated / He f*cking hated everything about you"), yet it's still up to you to the full call it off.
The first track on this EP gives us the opening chapter of how her beginnings in love were solely focused on living for the bites of her being treated fairly like you are a thing to be worshipped until they decide it doesn't suit them anymore. "Sold me the dream like a pretty possession / Made me believe I was headed to heaven / Fell on my knees when I thought that you meant it".
The confusion from the turbulent relationship told in the first track continues in 'Stay Friends' where she notices that staying friends is an easy way out for their ex. It's an action that allows permission to be on the outskirts of her life looking in to show that they put on a facade of caring (and a bit of control), knowing exactly how she still feels about them ("You say "Goodbye", just to say "Hi" often / nothing about it's making any sense"). Continuously checking in and opting in to be a part of her life and still pitching in is a way to keep her exactly in a reachable zone, and Bellah best says: "You don't wanna hold me, so you hold me back ". Knowing that the relationship was so unhealthy, it's not surprising that the ex still wants to find cracks and openings to be a part of her life; it can be painful when the emotions are still high and raw. Almost like a slap in the face to be told after a long-term relationship that they want to be friends, it's enough to have you but without effort ("you don't want me, you just wanna be friends").
'Compatible' is where we see a brief change in her muse, a new relationship. The first relationship is the toxic one. That is the most challenging relationship to be in as it's confusing and unfamiliar to be with someone who doesn't create drama, seek drama, and isn't putting you down ("I want fireworks and flames, don't want safe, tame, practical / 'Cause that ain't enough, that ain't love, no, we're just compatible".) You hear the concern and stress through her gorgeous vocals as she is figuring this out. Despite being compatible, it feels as if she is almost slipping back into what she experienced before. It's a healthier relationship, but it's still not what she wants. It's average and quiet; it's missing something that is making it not click for her, and they're not working it out.
The song is interesting as she desperately tries to find her way out of the relationship. He dismisses her and doesn't light up when he sees her, but he is nice to her, and she isn't used to that, resulting in her searching for ways to end it with a good-ish guy who isn't doing it for her to fulfil what she wants in love. "Wish you would go do something I cannot forgive you for / Go sleep with my best friend, tell the police I broke the law / I need good enough reason to get up and out the door".
The remaining half of the EP dives into how she is hoping that there's hope for a later rekindling with the ex mentioned in the first song as he is still latched onto her in memories. This rumination comes after an intense, unhealthy relationship that lingers heavily and can be quite unnerving in the way that it takes longer to get rid of it. '2053' dives into the thoughts that we should get back together because I still think of you because I love you, but I haven't yet concluded that those are scars. "And I did everything that I said I was gonna do / Will part of me regret it I didn't do it with you?" Picking up the pace and hearing more of the edginess from her pop-punk influences, '4 Better 4 Worse' is the moment we've been waiting for.
The power picks up, and the excitement sparks fiery as Bellah notices how much she is worth and that she is the prize. She sees that she is the better and he is the worse with how he would've dug his nails into her and kept her stuck in a place that would've suffocated her. It's a relief to know she didn't vow herself entirely to him, full of heavy reflection on his behaviour, "You were cold, you were petty, you were vacant / Yet you went looking for greener pastures", and she is skipping on the beat released of him; moving on with hot strides.
Of course, the EP wouldn't end without a song thinking of the first ex as the love of her life. In the way of grieving, the flip side of '4 Better 4 Worse' shows the duality of knowing you're fine without them but still in the process of letting go. They weren't the love of her life, but a love that disrupted her and needs to heal from the time spent together, "I let you waste three years of my time".
Bellah Mae crafted something very authentic and beautiful that we, and so many other listeners, will enjoy jamming out to and find ourselves relating to in some way. She has shown us that she leaned into her pain and turned it into art, showing us how you can make the most out of it and never waste a heartbreak.
Tyra Baker
Image: ‘Never Waste A Heartbreak’ Official EP Cover
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